We're all scared of something...

Weird day. My mood was very bipolar.

I went out with my dad and grandparents to target and a secondhand bookstore. I bought five books and two awesome candlesticks all for under $20. Life was good.

Then we all come home and my mom (who has been really sick these past couple of days) was feeling nauseated.

A little fact about me: I'm ridiculously afraid of vomit and vomiting. Seriously, it's bad. Everything about it freaks me out to the point that I may faint; the sound, the smell, the sight. I've gotten better about it, but it used to be so bad I would close my eyes and cover my ears when someone puked on tv. I also used to sit all the way at the back of the movie theater because I was paranoid that someone would vomit behind me. Even though I have felt sick to my stomach before, I haven't vomited in more than ten years because I willed myself not to. Yeah, I did it out of sheer will power.

Back to what happened today: My mom was feeling nauseated. This didn't really scare me that much, because she's always nauseated after chemo, and she never vomits. Then she said that she had vomited while we were out. I felt a little lurch in my stomach, but I told myself, Be strong, damn it! But then my mom made a nobody-talk-to-me-I'm-trying-not-to-vomit face. So I rush out of there, feeling like a complete wuss.

A minute later I feel like a bitch for not being there comforting my mom. So I grit my teeth and walk back in her room, pretending that nothing's wrong. Then I see her hugging a trash can and my dad and grandma looking concerned. Mother has just vomited. There is vomit in my presence.

Head starts spinning. Stomach lurching. I'm kind of frozen. I hear my mom explaining to my grandma that I am scared of vomiting. Grandma tries to comfort me by saying that there was no food, it was all liquid and therefore it doesn't smell. Brain yells, WTF STOMACH ACID?!?!?!? I run the fuck out of there while hyperventilating. I nearly faint on the stairs. Stumble into the backyard.

I sat down next to the house and tried to control my hyperventilation. Once I felt better, I started crying. I felt ridiculous and ashamed. I completely understood that it was dumb, that my fear was totally irrational. Why did I react so badly when it came to such a stupid thing?

After a while, I calmed down enough to go back inside. To my slight annoyance, no one even noticed I had been outside for half an hour. Whatever.

 After a while I cheered up. Still a little bit annoyed at my wussiness, but still. I'm happy and excited because there's going to be a Camelot marathon starting in ten minutes. I'll be up all night. Yay!