Whine whine whine, feel free to roll your eyes at me.

It's weird how much I've grown to hate my metal class. Not the people in it, nor the teacher, but the goddamned subject. Let's just say that if one of my past selves lived in the Medieval Period, he or she was not a metalworker by any means. Ugh ugh ugh, I'm already dreading my grade. And I can just picture my parent's reaction. A totally justified reaction, too, because they were the ones who paid for the class.

One of my worst qualities (which is kind of hard to admit) is that if something doesn't interest me, I don't care enough to do a good job on it. Take my SAT's, for example. My dad forced me to take it. I didn't want to take it, I thought it was kind of dumb. I didn't study for it until the night before the test, and I didn't sleep well that  night. Kind of explains why I failed so dismally.

I know that in the long run this stupid little class won't affect me much, but right now, it's annoying.

I want the Doctor Who theme as my ringtone.

I was just starting to feel shitty. I came on here to bitch about it and everything, and then I started watching an episode of Doctor Who. I INSTANTLY FEEL BETTER. Doctor Who is a god. It may be the closest thing I have to an actual religion.

Cousins are coming over tomorrow. The house is clean. My new computer needs an internet connection.

Short post is short.

Shark week alert.

OMG teary from a Hallmark commercial. "Traditions are for keeping us together..." ;_;

~~~~~~~~~^~~~~~~~~~ duh dun... duh dun... duh dun DUH DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN!! ;P

Ooh, and I just now realized that it's National Novel Writing Month. I think it's too late to sign up now, but I'm going to focus on writing this month.


Fuck cramps. >:(

Justin Bieber couldn't have gotten a girl pregnant, his balls haven't dropped.

I really hate school sometimes. It's all a really big goddamn hassle. I just want a nice job that pays relatively well (not even well well, just something that pays enough). But no. I have to go to school and get a degree, because according to society, if I don't go to college I'm a failure.

...They're probably right. I'm such a lazy, cowardly piece of shit. I wish I had the balls to be my own hero. I'm too quiet, too shy, too fucking complacent, and, contradictorily, too restless and too much of a dreamer. I seriously don't know what to do with myself sometimes .

I want to go out there into the world, guns blazing, but I'm too scared. I really loathe the coward inside of myself. I'm in a constant state of discontent and waiting. I always seem to be waiting for something to happen instead of doing shit myself.

Ugh. I need some kind of personality transplant. I need a TON of growing and changing to do.  Why am I so goddamn lame? Is it genetic? Were my parents this shy and cowardly? I find that hard to believe. They both seem so tough.

Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu- I think it's close to That Time again. -__- Okay, enough hating on myself. I'm going to watch Lost or something. Yeah.

May as well read Harry Potter now

I'm sick. D: I'm nauseated and my stomach is grumbling painfully. I was close to puking a while ago, but I have it under control now, thankfully. It must be something I ate. Probably those goddamn strawberries. Except Paulina and my mom ate some too and they're okay.

Didn't even go to fucking school today. Stupid art project that I stayed up all night to finish. >:( *grumbles angrily*

I shouldn't have had that burger for lunch. Uuuugh.

I can't really think of a title for this. :/

There are times when my need for independence is so great I don't know what to do with myself. It comes at me like a slap in the face. I need to be out on my own and live my life. I can't have my parents with me forever. I feel so sheltered and babied and stupid.

It came at me today. I was just there, sitting at the table with my mom and dad. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I suddenly thought, damn, I need to move out, I can't effing stand it here. I feel a bit guilty for thinking that. I have very supportive parents. They're not strict, but they're not apathetic, either. They're pretty much the best parents ever. But I still want to be out on my own.

There's the obvious problem: Lack of money and job. It all boils down to my fear of unknown. I'm such a fucking coward when it comes to finding a job. Maybe I can start out volunteering or something. I don't know.

It's times like these when I feel like a shit excuse for a person and want to just cry and sleep. Unfortunately I still haven't finished the damn art project due tomorrow, so I'm going to have to do that now and possibly all through the night.

Boring post is boring.

LOL didn't win the contest, oh well. Still working on art. Wow, that's a stupid, redundant update. I'm always working on art. Anyway. Yeah. I literally have nothing to say. Why is my life so painfully boring?

Sigh... watching Law and Order.

Pissed, frustrated, full of pent-up anger. I don't know. Classes are okay. I'm just... fucking confused.

I'm slowly gaining weight. It's starting to get kinda bad. It all stems from boredom and loneliness. Goddamn.

Listening to this, at least this makes me happy.

Hmmm, what happened to my old Monster Book of Manga? I swear it was around here somewhere...

I felt like I needed to update. I don't know why. Nothing much has happened. I've done a bit of art, I posted some videos on my youtube. Hehe, they're a little weird and awkward, but, you know, whatever. ;)

The night after my last post (about the army thing) I cried myself to sleep after wondering what's the point of it all? Life, I mean. Well, I know it sounds kinda stupid now, but insomnia is a bitch. I'm okay now, except for when I have nothing to do, then I'm just depressed.

But I still feel antsy. Like I have to get up and get out. Why am I so afraid of change?

I really do hate myself sometimes. Ah well. I'm going to watch Chobits on Netflix now. And maybe eat my feelings. Just kidding.

Aaaand, to make this post not boring, here's that art thing I made. :) I'm actually kind of proud of it!

In completely unrelated news, I dreamed of Lost last night

I am so conflicted right now. I don't even know where to start or what the root of my conflicted feelings are.

Okay, first things first.

I told my mom I was thinking of maybe joining the army. I said it very much expecting her to say something like "Don't be silly." But no, she completely took me by surprise and told me that she too had once thought about joining the army. o.o Okay, to me, my parents seemed kind of against joining the army. My whole life, I had gotten that vibe from them. So I was kind of shocked. And happy that she understood why I wanted to join.

Then there's my dad. Oh, god. He's really not into that. When I first told him, he was all "What? Since when did you want to join? What is it you want from the army?" I shocked him that time. I get why. I've always been the quiet, bookish type. Shy, and stay-at-home kinda girl.

That's just it, though. I really hate of living the rest of my life without a little adventure. I want to have a story to tell my grandkids, a life worth remembering. I want to make an impact, a difference. I'm aware it makes me sound like a glory-loving fool, but I'm serious. I don't like what my life is like right now.

Here's where the complication comes in. Living the life I want doesn't necessarily have to involve joining the army. It could be traveling the world, or becoming a paranormal investigator, or maybe an archaeologist. I'm dead fucking serious. I could join a band of gypsies and spend my life reading people's fortunes. I just need to do something. I'm going insane in this tiny life. I want something big and radically different than what I'm used to. So, yeah, I have a lot of options.

I feel that joining the army is best, though. Not only is it big and different, but it'll make me strong, physically and mentally. I really want that. I feel like if I don't join, I'll regret it in the future. The army to me means camaraderie and new found courage, two things I lack horribly.

HOWEVER. I'm also terrified of changing my life. Doing something new will take a lot of courage. Yep, I'm borderline agoraphobic. Something needs to push me towards change. (God, I'm terrified of what'll happen now that that's gotten out into the open. Last time I wished for something life-changing to happen to me, my mom got cancer. So, universe, God, whomever is out there, JUST DON'T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. kthx.)

Gahhhhh, bored.

Wow, I'm bored. D: Not even the internet is entertaining today. :( It's always the same things I click. Youtube, email, Facebook, deviantArt, over and over and OVER again. I occasionally throw in Amazon and add more shit to my wishlist. I just have nothing else to do really. I'm having a bit of an art block-ish thing. Maybe I'm just lazy and I don't want to do anything. Maybe it's the fact that I started my period. Whoa, actually, that would explain a lot. -__-

Hung out with a friend today, after a lot of "...weeeell, I think I can hang out..." on her part. I felt very ambivalent about going after that. But we ended up going to this sandcastle competition at the beach. There were so many people there, it was so uncomfortable. Then after an hour she had to go back home.

Sadly, I think we're going to drift apart. I'm not being pessimistic, just honest. It's happened a lot to me in my life, y'know, fair-weather friends, and now I just kind of expect it. Still, I'm hurt. Can't seem to avoid that.

It's happened so much, I'm starting to think it's not them, it's me. That hurts more.

Ranty Rant ahead

I'm in Sedona now. It's nice, and I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm really irritated right now.

First off, my family has recently become weirdly obsessive about weight and eating healthy and stuff. I mean, we have never been really bad eaters, on the contrary. We've always been healthy. My sister started going on a diet, because she wants to lose weight. She's crazy, always thinking she's fat and stuff. And my parents, instead of telling her she's beautiful and she doesn't need to lose weight, have been encouraging her. I understand my mom to an extent. She's always been a diet-crazy person, always used to say she needed to lose weight. But my dad? He's been encouraging her too. I mean, okay, I get the eating healthy part. We should always try to eat healthy. But sometimes it's nice to just eat whatever, especially on vacation. And my sister is at that age where she hates how her body looks. My parents should not be focusing on her physical. It'll just mess her up.

Alright, and speaking of my dad, it is so obvious that he favors my sister more. "Oh, that perfect child! Look at her, eating healthy stuff, excelling in water polo and swim!" And no, I'm not looking to be worshiped or anything, but when my mom excitedly showed him one of my drawings, he couldn't have been more indifferent. Thanks, dad. And those two things were just today. The worst part? We talked about his favoritism before, when my cousin pointed out that my dad seemed to like Paulina better. DAD, Y U NO LEARN?

Ugh! And to top it all off, the guy that supposedly installed my tablet to my laptop obviously didn't do a good job, since it's not fucking working. This is like the third time trying to install this shit. My god. I fucking give up.

Please, please, let tomorrow be better. I refuse to spend my vacation perpetually pissed.

Listening to Delerium

Productive day today. Mom has chemo, so I helped out around the house and stuff. It's kinda weird, but washing dishes and cleaning in general makes me feel not lazy and even kind of important. I know, weird. I guess I feel somewhat guilty when I'm just drawing and stuff, because I think people see me and say to themselves, Look at her, sitting there wasting time. I know it's a dumb thing to think, making assumptions is unwise, but I still feel a little bad.

Anyway, I've really began writing now. Planning the story, really, a very important part of the writing process. lol

Picture of my Sasha making a funny face and Loony napping behind her:

I've been watching too many kissing scenes...




God dammit, where's my love, hm? Why is the universe holding out on me?!?!?!


Gah, I should have learned by now that sleep deprivation makes me bitter toward my loveless life. :/

Been watching Disney movies. I want to go to Disneyland now!

Finally I signed in! Blogger was being difficult for some reason. >:o

Anyway, what's new? Erm... nothing. Doing school stuff, workload has lessened, but that's only because I don't have any more work assigned, just working on things that I haven't turned in yet. Run-on sentence FTW.

Mom is doing okay. there are about four rounds of chemo left, then she's getting some kind of weird radiation, then more chemo. I feel really useless sometimes. Or helpless. Both.

I guess I should look at the positive. At least this whole ordeal has made me stronger and braver. I try not to worry so much at what can happen and focus on the present. It's hard sometimes, though. The present isn't always a happy place.

I feel like complete and utter shit today, but I'm so tired of hearing myself whine, so here is a "Make me feel better post."




So what if this made me laugh?!

Okay, so this was a short post. I have things to do, I'll finish this later!

Is this gonna be forever?

I can't believe how much I'm slacking in school. I know I said that I was going to just forget it, but I usually say things like that, and then panic when I see my abysmal grades and start working again.

But I'm not. I am seriously sitting on my bed, schoolwork on my computer screen, and I've been staring blankly at the screen for hours. My parents are going to kill me when they ask me what I'm doing in school and I just grunt out "I dunno... stuff."

When it comes to doing schoolwork, I actually miss having a teacher there in front of me. It's so easy to start browsing idiotically through the internet when it's right there.

MY GOD WHY CAN'T THIS SHIT JUST BE OVER AND DONE WITH!

I've been in a weird mood these past couple of days. :/ Here's a pretty picture, just cause.

The Skull Girl by b1nd1

I'm tired of my weepiness

I've been lied to. It seems that David Tennant will not be playing an elf in The Hobbit. Damn.

Anyway, I feel like having a good cry right now. Maybe I'll watch Moulin Rouge. Or I'll just look at my grades.   *looks at them* Yep, that did it. ;__;

And just 'cause I'm a masochist, I'm listening to this on repeat:




*cries some more*

The internet is just so shiny!

I may be addicted to the internet.

Yeah. Ever since I started online school in eleventh grade I've spent way too much time on the computer. Recently it's gotten to the point that I am neglecting school. It's bad.

I need an intervention. Or some will-power. -__-

(Oh. and I have my first follower. Hi follower!)