Justin Bieber couldn't have gotten a girl pregnant, his balls haven't dropped.

I really hate school sometimes. It's all a really big goddamn hassle. I just want a nice job that pays relatively well (not even well well, just something that pays enough). But no. I have to go to school and get a degree, because according to society, if I don't go to college I'm a failure.

...They're probably right. I'm such a lazy, cowardly piece of shit. I wish I had the balls to be my own hero. I'm too quiet, too shy, too fucking complacent, and, contradictorily, too restless and too much of a dreamer. I seriously don't know what to do with myself sometimes .

I want to go out there into the world, guns blazing, but I'm too scared. I really loathe the coward inside of myself. I'm in a constant state of discontent and waiting. I always seem to be waiting for something to happen instead of doing shit myself.

Ugh. I need some kind of personality transplant. I need a TON of growing and changing to do.  Why am I so goddamn lame? Is it genetic? Were my parents this shy and cowardly? I find that hard to believe. They both seem so tough.

Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu- I think it's close to That Time again. -__- Okay, enough hating on myself. I'm going to watch Lost or something. Yeah.

I can't really think of a title for this. :/

There are times when my need for independence is so great I don't know what to do with myself. It comes at me like a slap in the face. I need to be out on my own and live my life. I can't have my parents with me forever. I feel so sheltered and babied and stupid.

It came at me today. I was just there, sitting at the table with my mom and dad. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I suddenly thought, damn, I need to move out, I can't effing stand it here. I feel a bit guilty for thinking that. I have very supportive parents. They're not strict, but they're not apathetic, either. They're pretty much the best parents ever. But I still want to be out on my own.

There's the obvious problem: Lack of money and job. It all boils down to my fear of unknown. I'm such a fucking coward when it comes to finding a job. Maybe I can start out volunteering or something. I don't know.

It's times like these when I feel like a shit excuse for a person and want to just cry and sleep. Unfortunately I still haven't finished the damn art project due tomorrow, so I'm going to have to do that now and possibly all through the night.

In completely unrelated news, I dreamed of Lost last night

I am so conflicted right now. I don't even know where to start or what the root of my conflicted feelings are.

Okay, first things first.

I told my mom I was thinking of maybe joining the army. I said it very much expecting her to say something like "Don't be silly." But no, she completely took me by surprise and told me that she too had once thought about joining the army. o.o Okay, to me, my parents seemed kind of against joining the army. My whole life, I had gotten that vibe from them. So I was kind of shocked. And happy that she understood why I wanted to join.

Then there's my dad. Oh, god. He's really not into that. When I first told him, he was all "What? Since when did you want to join? What is it you want from the army?" I shocked him that time. I get why. I've always been the quiet, bookish type. Shy, and stay-at-home kinda girl.

That's just it, though. I really hate of living the rest of my life without a little adventure. I want to have a story to tell my grandkids, a life worth remembering. I want to make an impact, a difference. I'm aware it makes me sound like a glory-loving fool, but I'm serious. I don't like what my life is like right now.

Here's where the complication comes in. Living the life I want doesn't necessarily have to involve joining the army. It could be traveling the world, or becoming a paranormal investigator, or maybe an archaeologist. I'm dead fucking serious. I could join a band of gypsies and spend my life reading people's fortunes. I just need to do something. I'm going insane in this tiny life. I want something big and radically different than what I'm used to. So, yeah, I have a lot of options.

I feel that joining the army is best, though. Not only is it big and different, but it'll make me strong, physically and mentally. I really want that. I feel like if I don't join, I'll regret it in the future. The army to me means camaraderie and new found courage, two things I lack horribly.

HOWEVER. I'm also terrified of changing my life. Doing something new will take a lot of courage. Yep, I'm borderline agoraphobic. Something needs to push me towards change. (God, I'm terrified of what'll happen now that that's gotten out into the open. Last time I wished for something life-changing to happen to me, my mom got cancer. So, universe, God, whomever is out there, JUST DON'T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. kthx.)

We're all scared of something...

Weird day. My mood was very bipolar.

I went out with my dad and grandparents to target and a secondhand bookstore. I bought five books and two awesome candlesticks all for under $20. Life was good.

Then we all come home and my mom (who has been really sick these past couple of days) was feeling nauseated.

A little fact about me: I'm ridiculously afraid of vomit and vomiting. Seriously, it's bad. Everything about it freaks me out to the point that I may faint; the sound, the smell, the sight. I've gotten better about it, but it used to be so bad I would close my eyes and cover my ears when someone puked on tv. I also used to sit all the way at the back of the movie theater because I was paranoid that someone would vomit behind me. Even though I have felt sick to my stomach before, I haven't vomited in more than ten years because I willed myself not to. Yeah, I did it out of sheer will power.

Back to what happened today: My mom was feeling nauseated. This didn't really scare me that much, because she's always nauseated after chemo, and she never vomits. Then she said that she had vomited while we were out. I felt a little lurch in my stomach, but I told myself, Be strong, damn it! But then my mom made a nobody-talk-to-me-I'm-trying-not-to-vomit face. So I rush out of there, feeling like a complete wuss.

A minute later I feel like a bitch for not being there comforting my mom. So I grit my teeth and walk back in her room, pretending that nothing's wrong. Then I see her hugging a trash can and my dad and grandma looking concerned. Mother has just vomited. There is vomit in my presence.

Head starts spinning. Stomach lurching. I'm kind of frozen. I hear my mom explaining to my grandma that I am scared of vomiting. Grandma tries to comfort me by saying that there was no food, it was all liquid and therefore it doesn't smell. Brain yells, WTF STOMACH ACID?!?!?!? I run the fuck out of there while hyperventilating. I nearly faint on the stairs. Stumble into the backyard.

I sat down next to the house and tried to control my hyperventilation. Once I felt better, I started crying. I felt ridiculous and ashamed. I completely understood that it was dumb, that my fear was totally irrational. Why did I react so badly when it came to such a stupid thing?

After a while, I calmed down enough to go back inside. To my slight annoyance, no one even noticed I had been outside for half an hour. Whatever.

 After a while I cheered up. Still a little bit annoyed at my wussiness, but still. I'm happy and excited because there's going to be a Camelot marathon starting in ten minutes. I'll be up all night. Yay!