This is like my fourth post today lol

I looked back at my resolutions and realized that I have already tackled quite a few of them. Here they are, the finished ones are highlighted in blue.

• Walk to school as many days as possible.
• Read 50 books this year.
• Post on this blog as much as possible. (daily postings, baby!)
• Practice my Spanish and French. (I've been studying French aplenty, need to work on my Spanish)
• Get my driver's license, also, learn to drive properly.
• Start playing Final Fantasy XII again, and finish the game. (Very close to finishing it. Just need more time)
• Write a whole novel!
• Make new friends.
• Drink more tea instead of coffee.
• Paint and draw and perfect my art style. (been painting a little, not even close to how much I wanted to, but a little counts)
• Learn to play one song entirely on the piano. (Evanescence - Hello. One day I'll record myself playing it and singing to it.)
• Get a tattoo.
• Organize and clean my entire room, including my hazardous closet. (Done and done! My room is awesome.)

 So pretty much all of the scary and/or difficult ones are left. I will get to them eventually.

It's official, Disney movies make me cry

Watched Tangled, cried sporadically throughout, and ate chocolate ice cream with Nutella. Now I feel cranky and sick to my stomach.
PMS is a bitch. On the bright side at least I'm not feeling depressingly emo like earlier.
Also, I'm thinking of getting a livejournal and delete this blog. I don't know if it matters, though. No one reads this anyway. ;_;

I'm kind of in the mood to watch Snow White or something.

Tired of this

I have a theory that I pick up on other peoples emotions in very intense ways. In other words, I feel what those around me are feeling.

It's starting to get old. I'm tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time. Why are people so negative? Sometimes it's so intense that I have to shutdown my own feelings and turn into this apathetic black hole.

I really don't want to go back there again. But it's hard with all the negativity and sorrow around me.

Listening to White Pearl, Black Oceans

It's been 2 weeks since I've seen or spoken to my sister. She's been having some serious fun from what I've heard. It's weird, I don't really miss her as in, constantly thinking about her, but when random funny or wtf-type things happen, I think, Ha, I wish Paulina was here, she would laugh with me! There are some things that no one would find funny but me and her. Not to mention that the house is oddly quiet without her.

Sister, Sister ( -__- I haven't seen that show in years )

Worked my butt off today. My mom is still feeling somewhat weak, better than yesterday, but still not great. I cleaned and organized my room, washed sheets, made beds, sanitized bathrooms, and just generally organized the house. All while listening to Sonata Arctica. <3
I feel satisfied, but of course, it all just means that I have neglected my homework. Yep, I do work even on Saturdays. ;_; Oh, shit, and I just remembered the 4 self-portraits that are due on Monday. I will probably be working tomorrow as well, even though it's Easter Sunday. Meh, it's not like we're going to do anything else.

Also, Camelot! I watched all four episodes last night. I love it! Even with all the boobs and naked butts. I'm not a prude by a long shot, but still. Every ten minutes BAM! boobs.

Just imagine them both naked

Still, it was an awesome show. Merlin (Joseph Fiennes) was very cool, as was Morgan (Eva Green). I can't wait till next Friday.

Sixteen days left until I'm 18. The thought is kind of scary. Adulthood. It's nothing but a number, really, if you think about it. I'm not going to change. And yet, to everyone else, 18 is a very significant birthday, it means I'm an adult. Just like that. Weird, right?

We're all scared of something...

Weird day. My mood was very bipolar.

I went out with my dad and grandparents to target and a secondhand bookstore. I bought five books and two awesome candlesticks all for under $20. Life was good.

Then we all come home and my mom (who has been really sick these past couple of days) was feeling nauseated.

A little fact about me: I'm ridiculously afraid of vomit and vomiting. Seriously, it's bad. Everything about it freaks me out to the point that I may faint; the sound, the smell, the sight. I've gotten better about it, but it used to be so bad I would close my eyes and cover my ears when someone puked on tv. I also used to sit all the way at the back of the movie theater because I was paranoid that someone would vomit behind me. Even though I have felt sick to my stomach before, I haven't vomited in more than ten years because I willed myself not to. Yeah, I did it out of sheer will power.

Back to what happened today: My mom was feeling nauseated. This didn't really scare me that much, because she's always nauseated after chemo, and she never vomits. Then she said that she had vomited while we were out. I felt a little lurch in my stomach, but I told myself, Be strong, damn it! But then my mom made a nobody-talk-to-me-I'm-trying-not-to-vomit face. So I rush out of there, feeling like a complete wuss.

A minute later I feel like a bitch for not being there comforting my mom. So I grit my teeth and walk back in her room, pretending that nothing's wrong. Then I see her hugging a trash can and my dad and grandma looking concerned. Mother has just vomited. There is vomit in my presence.

Head starts spinning. Stomach lurching. I'm kind of frozen. I hear my mom explaining to my grandma that I am scared of vomiting. Grandma tries to comfort me by saying that there was no food, it was all liquid and therefore it doesn't smell. Brain yells, WTF STOMACH ACID?!?!?!? I run the fuck out of there while hyperventilating. I nearly faint on the stairs. Stumble into the backyard.

I sat down next to the house and tried to control my hyperventilation. Once I felt better, I started crying. I felt ridiculous and ashamed. I completely understood that it was dumb, that my fear was totally irrational. Why did I react so badly when it came to such a stupid thing?

After a while, I calmed down enough to go back inside. To my slight annoyance, no one even noticed I had been outside for half an hour. Whatever.

 After a while I cheered up. Still a little bit annoyed at my wussiness, but still. I'm happy and excited because there's going to be a Camelot marathon starting in ten minutes. I'll be up all night. Yay!

Weiner at Costco

I was with my mom at Costco. When she was paying, the cashier looked at the picture on her card and then looked back at her, and then back at the card. Then he turned back to her and said something like "Wow, you don't look anything like your picture!"
.
.
.
What the fuck. Of course she doesn't look like her picture you dick, it was taken before she got sick! Ugh, I was so mad!!!!!
*deep breath*

I understand that the cashier didn't know or whatever, but damn. Damn. Good thing my mom took it well, or else I would have yelled at him right then and there. I was thisclose to saying something. I guess it's a good thing I didn't. I'm glad I didn't cry either.

My mom's cancer hit me hard, no matter what kind of facade I portray.

Ugh

I hate it when I let myself worry about shit that hasn't even happened. One minute I'm fine, and the next I feel like I'm never going to do anything with my life. I'll be a complete failure.

I'm going to live with my parents forever, I'm going to end up a fat spinster with a hundred cats. *sigh*

Why do I worry about this stuff? Every time I tell my mom about these thoughts I have, instead of making me feel better, she tells me to stop being ridiculous. And she's right, damn it.

The future scares the hell out of me. I'm scared of everything. School, future jobs, driving, future boyfriends, making friends. I'm not even exaggerating. I'm fucking scared of everything.

I'm weirdly dizzy right now, I hope that's the reason I'm in such a pessimistic mood. -__-