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I have procrastinated on my art project, and now I have no idea what to do. The project is to show action and reaction. Like, a political cartoon, maybe, but it could be anything that shows action and reaction. BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I was going to draw Jane Austen sitting at her desk with a bunch of female authors standing behind her, kind of symbolizing how Austen made it more mainstream to women to publish their work. But then I researched a bit more, and I realized that Jane Austen wasn't exactly viewed as anything more than "cute" until the 1940's. SO THERE GOES MY IDEA. I don't like Jane Austen anyway.

So I'm too ashamed to go to class today. Except I have to, for the grade. With any luck, some people will have theirs done and will critique, so I can get some ideas. :(

I need to let off some steam.

Dear mom,

I don't know if you do it because you are concerned or if you just have no filter, but I really don't appreciate you criticizing my body. "Sit up straight so your stomach doesn't stick out" and poking my stomach while making a face is not an okay thing to do when A) I'm already well aware of my belly fat, B) I'm actually working on it, even if you don't believe it, and C) It's not your problem anyway.

I mean, Jesus, do I really disgust you that much? Am I an embarrassment as a daughter? It's no secret that I had TONS of body image issues when I was younger (and still have my moments of feeling gross). I even told you about that time I starved myself for a week.

WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO POINT OUT MY IMPERFECTIONS? I ALREADY MAGNIFY THEM OUT OF PROPORTION SOMETIMES, I DON'T NEED YOU MAKING IT WORSE.

Oh, and when I tell you that your comment hurt me, you tell me I'm too delicate. If I ever did that to you (which I never will, because I have some goddamn consideration) you'd be pissed too. If you ever get the urge to point another thing wrong with me, just remember that I have feelings too. I think sometimes you forget.

-Dani

Justin Bieber couldn't have gotten a girl pregnant, his balls haven't dropped.

I really hate school sometimes. It's all a really big goddamn hassle. I just want a nice job that pays relatively well (not even well well, just something that pays enough). But no. I have to go to school and get a degree, because according to society, if I don't go to college I'm a failure.

...They're probably right. I'm such a lazy, cowardly piece of shit. I wish I had the balls to be my own hero. I'm too quiet, too shy, too fucking complacent, and, contradictorily, too restless and too much of a dreamer. I seriously don't know what to do with myself sometimes .

I want to go out there into the world, guns blazing, but I'm too scared. I really loathe the coward inside of myself. I'm in a constant state of discontent and waiting. I always seem to be waiting for something to happen instead of doing shit myself.

Ugh. I need some kind of personality transplant. I need a TON of growing and changing to do.  Why am I so goddamn lame? Is it genetic? Were my parents this shy and cowardly? I find that hard to believe. They both seem so tough.

Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu- I think it's close to That Time again. -__- Okay, enough hating on myself. I'm going to watch Lost or something. Yeah.

*Covering ears*

OMFG. These ladies are goddamn LOUD. O.O

...Rescue me from them, daddy! D:

Urgh, they're leaving soon, I think.

Holy shit, and one of them just told me that if someone calls for her, to tell him that she's going to be back at six. ...She was fucking serious, too. WHUT.

I just want them to leave before they all start crying for my mother's poor cancerous soul. God dammit, EVERYONE WHO MAKES THAT MUCH OF A MOTHERFUCKING DEAL, the woman's getting a hell of a lot better, she's not knocking on Death's door just yet. This isn't a fucking funeral. >:(

Taking a break from homework.

I am not used to homework anymore. I swear on the entire Greek pantheon that I have been working on this goddamn piece since nine this morning. IT IS NOW ALMOST TEN HOURS LATER. AND I AM NOT CLOSE TO FINISHING. I AM ACTUALLY STUCK. Grrr, this thing is due on Monday.

Urgh, I'm obviously not going to do anything this weekend. Except I do have plans. :P Just for tomorrow afternoon, so I will probably definitely be working nonstop in the morning and all of Sunday, bloody Sunday. >:( Poopie.

And if that wasn't all, for some reason, when I actually have stuff like homework to get done, my brain decides to get all inspired to write. Seriously Muses, where the hell were you last week when I actually had nothing to do?!?! Not funny. Come back on Monday, when all this shit is over and done with.

After all the work I've been doing, this better be the Best Thing Ever Drawn By Me, or else.

I'm watching To Catch a Predator. My god these guys are so gross.

Didn't get through the entire HP series this weekend. I just finished the fourth book. Hm. I'll have to take the last three a bit slower, 'cause I have work to do this week. Hurm, reading them makes me want to write a fan fic so bad. I will write.

Also!!! I might be going to Orlando soon to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and other theme parks (DisneyWorld and such). It's not certain, but it's a definite probability. :D I might have to miss a couple of days of school, but that's just a bonus!

Ugh. I'm still watching To Catch a Predator, and one of those slimeballs brought his toddler with him to the house. My god, those guys are seriously going to a special hell. >:(

Sigh... watching Law and Order.

Pissed, frustrated, full of pent-up anger. I don't know. Classes are okay. I'm just... fucking confused.

I'm slowly gaining weight. It's starting to get kinda bad. It all stems from boredom and loneliness. Goddamn.

Listening to this, at least this makes me happy.

In completely unrelated news, I dreamed of Lost last night

I am so conflicted right now. I don't even know where to start or what the root of my conflicted feelings are.

Okay, first things first.

I told my mom I was thinking of maybe joining the army. I said it very much expecting her to say something like "Don't be silly." But no, she completely took me by surprise and told me that she too had once thought about joining the army. o.o Okay, to me, my parents seemed kind of against joining the army. My whole life, I had gotten that vibe from them. So I was kind of shocked. And happy that she understood why I wanted to join.

Then there's my dad. Oh, god. He's really not into that. When I first told him, he was all "What? Since when did you want to join? What is it you want from the army?" I shocked him that time. I get why. I've always been the quiet, bookish type. Shy, and stay-at-home kinda girl.

That's just it, though. I really hate of living the rest of my life without a little adventure. I want to have a story to tell my grandkids, a life worth remembering. I want to make an impact, a difference. I'm aware it makes me sound like a glory-loving fool, but I'm serious. I don't like what my life is like right now.

Here's where the complication comes in. Living the life I want doesn't necessarily have to involve joining the army. It could be traveling the world, or becoming a paranormal investigator, or maybe an archaeologist. I'm dead fucking serious. I could join a band of gypsies and spend my life reading people's fortunes. I just need to do something. I'm going insane in this tiny life. I want something big and radically different than what I'm used to. So, yeah, I have a lot of options.

I feel that joining the army is best, though. Not only is it big and different, but it'll make me strong, physically and mentally. I really want that. I feel like if I don't join, I'll regret it in the future. The army to me means camaraderie and new found courage, two things I lack horribly.

HOWEVER. I'm also terrified of changing my life. Doing something new will take a lot of courage. Yep, I'm borderline agoraphobic. Something needs to push me towards change. (God, I'm terrified of what'll happen now that that's gotten out into the open. Last time I wished for something life-changing to happen to me, my mom got cancer. So, universe, God, whomever is out there, JUST DON'T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. kthx.)

Ranty Rant ahead

I'm in Sedona now. It's nice, and I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm really irritated right now.

First off, my family has recently become weirdly obsessive about weight and eating healthy and stuff. I mean, we have never been really bad eaters, on the contrary. We've always been healthy. My sister started going on a diet, because she wants to lose weight. She's crazy, always thinking she's fat and stuff. And my parents, instead of telling her she's beautiful and she doesn't need to lose weight, have been encouraging her. I understand my mom to an extent. She's always been a diet-crazy person, always used to say she needed to lose weight. But my dad? He's been encouraging her too. I mean, okay, I get the eating healthy part. We should always try to eat healthy. But sometimes it's nice to just eat whatever, especially on vacation. And my sister is at that age where she hates how her body looks. My parents should not be focusing on her physical. It'll just mess her up.

Alright, and speaking of my dad, it is so obvious that he favors my sister more. "Oh, that perfect child! Look at her, eating healthy stuff, excelling in water polo and swim!" And no, I'm not looking to be worshiped or anything, but when my mom excitedly showed him one of my drawings, he couldn't have been more indifferent. Thanks, dad. And those two things were just today. The worst part? We talked about his favoritism before, when my cousin pointed out that my dad seemed to like Paulina better. DAD, Y U NO LEARN?

Ugh! And to top it all off, the guy that supposedly installed my tablet to my laptop obviously didn't do a good job, since it's not fucking working. This is like the third time trying to install this shit. My god. I fucking give up.

Please, please, let tomorrow be better. I refuse to spend my vacation perpetually pissed.

Torture

Literature Final is today. Why are tests so tedious?!?!?! I have fifty multiple choice questions to answer and three (!) essays to write.

Is this gonna be forever?

I can't believe how much I'm slacking in school. I know I said that I was going to just forget it, but I usually say things like that, and then panic when I see my abysmal grades and start working again.

But I'm not. I am seriously sitting on my bed, schoolwork on my computer screen, and I've been staring blankly at the screen for hours. My parents are going to kill me when they ask me what I'm doing in school and I just grunt out "I dunno... stuff."

When it comes to doing schoolwork, I actually miss having a teacher there in front of me. It's so easy to start browsing idiotically through the internet when it's right there.

MY GOD WHY CAN'T THIS SHIT JUST BE OVER AND DONE WITH!

I've been in a weird mood these past couple of days. :/ Here's a pretty picture, just cause.

The Skull Girl by b1nd1

School can kiss my ass

Fuck school. I'm trying my hardest to get good grades, but it's just not good enough. I'm just going to shit my way through this last month, why bother trying anymore? I'm so burned out, all I want to do is lay on a bed and sleep. So that's what I'm going to do.

Seriously, fuck it. One of my biggest fears in life is failure, but I'm so tired and stressed these days that I don't even care. How badly can I screw my grades up in a month and a half anyway? I guess I'll find out.

*Sigh* I'm off to sleep off my headache.

Weiner at Costco

I was with my mom at Costco. When she was paying, the cashier looked at the picture on her card and then looked back at her, and then back at the card. Then he turned back to her and said something like "Wow, you don't look anything like your picture!"
.
.
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What the fuck. Of course she doesn't look like her picture you dick, it was taken before she got sick! Ugh, I was so mad!!!!!
*deep breath*

I understand that the cashier didn't know or whatever, but damn. Damn. Good thing my mom took it well, or else I would have yelled at him right then and there. I was thisclose to saying something. I guess it's a good thing I didn't. I'm glad I didn't cry either.

My mom's cancer hit me hard, no matter what kind of facade I portray.