TL;DR. Ye be Warned

I am so tied to my computer. It's an addiction, it really is. I'm thinking of restricting my internet usage a lot for the next year; A resolution, if you will.

It became clear to me this past week, when we were starting our final project in my drawing class. I had so much trouble coming up with an idea. (As whined about in this post) All I could think about was, "The internet will save me! The internet will give me ideas!" instead of coming up with ideas on my own. It's like I've become lazy when I have to be creative. Like I have no mind of my own. Instead of thinking something up myself, I check online to see what other people have come up with.

It explains the serious lack of writing, the major writer's block I have, and the artist's block. Another thing that sucks up any creativity I may have is mindless browsing. There is really no need for me to check my facebook and email more than twice a day, really. And yet, I spend my time on the internet clicking on yahoo and facebook and youtube over and over and over again, as if I expect something to change.

It's also been affecting my concentration. I never, ever have only one tab open. (even now. I'm typing this up and watching Fire and Ice on youtube.) If I ever, do, I quickly open a new one, because it feels like I should save time by multitasking. Now, I notice that even when I'm doing something not computer-related, I have to be doing something else too, just to save time. When I'm doing that, I don't fully concentrate on either thing.

Another thing that's bee a problem with me lately is spending way too much time watching TV shows. I feel like I'm watching too many at a time, ad I can't even keep track of what happened in which show. I swear, right now I am watching Battlestar Galactica, Clannad After Story, Mushi-Shi, Last Exile, X-Files, Avatar The Last Airbender, Doctor Who, and Firefly (the last three for the second time). Lost and Doctor Who alone have cost me most of my year. Now, I'm a lover of a good story, so I am definitely not cutting out TV shows altogether, but I am going to limit how many I am allowed to watch at one time (probably two is all I can handle).

Now, I don't want this post to be just about the things I am going to cut out, but also what I am going to focus on this year. Reading, for one. I miss the feeling of getting sucked in to a story to the point of not being able to put it down, to the point that I cry at a character's loss and cheer at their successes. I have not gotten to that point in hardly any book that I've read this year, because of my internet-an-tv-fueled ADD. I've read a fair few books, but too sporadically. So a focus on reading for next year.

Playing video games may come as a surprising thing to focus on, but it is something that I have too long abandoned. I am talking specifically about Final Fantasy X and X-2. I miss the satisfaction of leveling up and defeating bosses. It is something that required quite a bit of dedication. I am one to replay old games like Spyro the Dragon and Jak 2 and Shadow of the Colossus over and over, never moving on to new games. So, finishing FFX and X-2, and trying out new games. Skyrim and KOTOR are on the top of the list.

Writing and art are, obviously, a huge thing I want to focus on. I still have to many characters in my head whom are begging to have their stories told, and I will not let them turn to dust. I have too many dreams that should have been drawn and made real, but have sadly wasted away in a brain that goes in a million different directions and has no time to concentrate on anything. I need a little bit of discipline.

Also, blogging. I still like blogging, because if feels like a grown up version of journaling, but I need to update less when I have nothing to say. I think I have one too many posts that just say LOL NOTHING'S HAPPENED BUT I FEEL LIKE POSTING MY FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS ANYWAY. No more. (I still may need to vent sometimes, but that's different.)

In conclusion (I know, finally) I really want to discipline myself, to learn to concentrate, to multitask less, and to finish more. Turn off the TV, turn on the music. Close the laptop, open a book. Yeah, that sounds good. It's my new mantra. And screw waiting until January. I'm starting now. :D I feel very motivated.

I need to let off some steam.

Dear mom,

I don't know if you do it because you are concerned or if you just have no filter, but I really don't appreciate you criticizing my body. "Sit up straight so your stomach doesn't stick out" and poking my stomach while making a face is not an okay thing to do when A) I'm already well aware of my belly fat, B) I'm actually working on it, even if you don't believe it, and C) It's not your problem anyway.

I mean, Jesus, do I really disgust you that much? Am I an embarrassment as a daughter? It's no secret that I had TONS of body image issues when I was younger (and still have my moments of feeling gross). I even told you about that time I starved myself for a week.

WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO POINT OUT MY IMPERFECTIONS? I ALREADY MAGNIFY THEM OUT OF PROPORTION SOMETIMES, I DON'T NEED YOU MAKING IT WORSE.

Oh, and when I tell you that your comment hurt me, you tell me I'm too delicate. If I ever did that to you (which I never will, because I have some goddamn consideration) you'd be pissed too. If you ever get the urge to point another thing wrong with me, just remember that I have feelings too. I think sometimes you forget.

-Dani

Justin Bieber couldn't have gotten a girl pregnant, his balls haven't dropped.

I really hate school sometimes. It's all a really big goddamn hassle. I just want a nice job that pays relatively well (not even well well, just something that pays enough). But no. I have to go to school and get a degree, because according to society, if I don't go to college I'm a failure.

...They're probably right. I'm such a lazy, cowardly piece of shit. I wish I had the balls to be my own hero. I'm too quiet, too shy, too fucking complacent, and, contradictorily, too restless and too much of a dreamer. I seriously don't know what to do with myself sometimes .

I want to go out there into the world, guns blazing, but I'm too scared. I really loathe the coward inside of myself. I'm in a constant state of discontent and waiting. I always seem to be waiting for something to happen instead of doing shit myself.

Ugh. I need some kind of personality transplant. I need a TON of growing and changing to do.  Why am I so goddamn lame? Is it genetic? Were my parents this shy and cowardly? I find that hard to believe. They both seem so tough.

Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu- I think it's close to That Time again. -__- Okay, enough hating on myself. I'm going to watch Lost or something. Yeah.

I can't really think of a title for this. :/

There are times when my need for independence is so great I don't know what to do with myself. It comes at me like a slap in the face. I need to be out on my own and live my life. I can't have my parents with me forever. I feel so sheltered and babied and stupid.

It came at me today. I was just there, sitting at the table with my mom and dad. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I suddenly thought, damn, I need to move out, I can't effing stand it here. I feel a bit guilty for thinking that. I have very supportive parents. They're not strict, but they're not apathetic, either. They're pretty much the best parents ever. But I still want to be out on my own.

There's the obvious problem: Lack of money and job. It all boils down to my fear of unknown. I'm such a fucking coward when it comes to finding a job. Maybe I can start out volunteering or something. I don't know.

It's times like these when I feel like a shit excuse for a person and want to just cry and sleep. Unfortunately I still haven't finished the damn art project due tomorrow, so I'm going to have to do that now and possibly all through the night.

In completely unrelated news, I dreamed of Lost last night

I am so conflicted right now. I don't even know where to start or what the root of my conflicted feelings are.

Okay, first things first.

I told my mom I was thinking of maybe joining the army. I said it very much expecting her to say something like "Don't be silly." But no, she completely took me by surprise and told me that she too had once thought about joining the army. o.o Okay, to me, my parents seemed kind of against joining the army. My whole life, I had gotten that vibe from them. So I was kind of shocked. And happy that she understood why I wanted to join.

Then there's my dad. Oh, god. He's really not into that. When I first told him, he was all "What? Since when did you want to join? What is it you want from the army?" I shocked him that time. I get why. I've always been the quiet, bookish type. Shy, and stay-at-home kinda girl.

That's just it, though. I really hate of living the rest of my life without a little adventure. I want to have a story to tell my grandkids, a life worth remembering. I want to make an impact, a difference. I'm aware it makes me sound like a glory-loving fool, but I'm serious. I don't like what my life is like right now.

Here's where the complication comes in. Living the life I want doesn't necessarily have to involve joining the army. It could be traveling the world, or becoming a paranormal investigator, or maybe an archaeologist. I'm dead fucking serious. I could join a band of gypsies and spend my life reading people's fortunes. I just need to do something. I'm going insane in this tiny life. I want something big and radically different than what I'm used to. So, yeah, I have a lot of options.

I feel that joining the army is best, though. Not only is it big and different, but it'll make me strong, physically and mentally. I really want that. I feel like if I don't join, I'll regret it in the future. The army to me means camaraderie and new found courage, two things I lack horribly.

HOWEVER. I'm also terrified of changing my life. Doing something new will take a lot of courage. Yep, I'm borderline agoraphobic. Something needs to push me towards change. (God, I'm terrified of what'll happen now that that's gotten out into the open. Last time I wished for something life-changing to happen to me, my mom got cancer. So, universe, God, whomever is out there, JUST DON'T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. kthx.)

Ranty Rant ahead

I'm in Sedona now. It's nice, and I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm really irritated right now.

First off, my family has recently become weirdly obsessive about weight and eating healthy and stuff. I mean, we have never been really bad eaters, on the contrary. We've always been healthy. My sister started going on a diet, because she wants to lose weight. She's crazy, always thinking she's fat and stuff. And my parents, instead of telling her she's beautiful and she doesn't need to lose weight, have been encouraging her. I understand my mom to an extent. She's always been a diet-crazy person, always used to say she needed to lose weight. But my dad? He's been encouraging her too. I mean, okay, I get the eating healthy part. We should always try to eat healthy. But sometimes it's nice to just eat whatever, especially on vacation. And my sister is at that age where she hates how her body looks. My parents should not be focusing on her physical. It'll just mess her up.

Alright, and speaking of my dad, it is so obvious that he favors my sister more. "Oh, that perfect child! Look at her, eating healthy stuff, excelling in water polo and swim!" And no, I'm not looking to be worshiped or anything, but when my mom excitedly showed him one of my drawings, he couldn't have been more indifferent. Thanks, dad. And those two things were just today. The worst part? We talked about his favoritism before, when my cousin pointed out that my dad seemed to like Paulina better. DAD, Y U NO LEARN?

Ugh! And to top it all off, the guy that supposedly installed my tablet to my laptop obviously didn't do a good job, since it's not fucking working. This is like the third time trying to install this shit. My god. I fucking give up.

Please, please, let tomorrow be better. I refuse to spend my vacation perpetually pissed.

PMS-fueled rant ahead

Yesterday was weird and I got all moody and sensitive and stuff. I think it's because I'm PMSing. That may be the reason for this semi-rant thing ahead.



My sister Paulina is a dancer. She loves it, she has a passion for it. But yesterday, my mom and I went with her to Kohl's because she wanted to buy a body shaping thing to go under her dance costume because she thinks she looks fat in it.

There are many awful things that come with being a teenager, but one really bad thing an almost fifteen-year-old girl can experience is thinking she is fat. I know, I've gone through that. I still go through that sometimes, but thankfully, now that I'm older, I know that A) I'm not fat, even if I feel like it sometimes, and B) Even if I were, it's not the worst thing one can be.

There are many people I can "blame" for brainwashing my sister and I into thinking that if we're not skinny, we're not good enough: the media, society, even my mother and grandmother. But I don't want to blame anyone, because there's nothing we can do about it now. I just know that it's possible and NORMAL to believe otherwise. It takes time and support from others, but I just know that now that I like who I am, life is so much more meaningful. This actually means a lot, coming from me, the girl that used to have a billion insecurities.

Anyway, there I was in a Kohl's fitting room with Paulina, and there she was, nearly crying because the damn thing was so expensive but she absolutely needed it or else she was going to look horrible. -__- So, yeah, the body shaper wasn't a huge deal, it was just for one time. But Paulina complains all the time about how fat she is, going on diets and stuff. It breaks my heart.

I had a moment there in the fitting room, I saw my younger self in her, and I felt her pain. It was so frustrating to see my beautiful, talented, loud and funny little sister looking at herself like that. I wish I could tell her how awesome she is and have her believe me.

But, being who she is, I tried to comfort her and she gave me a look. An I'm-going-to-beat-you-up-if-you-don't-snap-out-of-it look. So that was that. ._. One day she'll believe me, I know it.

Gah, I'm too mushy. Here's a picture of me and Luna to negate the mushiness.

Is this gonna be forever?

I can't believe how much I'm slacking in school. I know I said that I was going to just forget it, but I usually say things like that, and then panic when I see my abysmal grades and start working again.

But I'm not. I am seriously sitting on my bed, schoolwork on my computer screen, and I've been staring blankly at the screen for hours. My parents are going to kill me when they ask me what I'm doing in school and I just grunt out "I dunno... stuff."

When it comes to doing schoolwork, I actually miss having a teacher there in front of me. It's so easy to start browsing idiotically through the internet when it's right there.

MY GOD WHY CAN'T THIS SHIT JUST BE OVER AND DONE WITH!

I've been in a weird mood these past couple of days. :/ Here's a pretty picture, just cause.

The Skull Girl by b1nd1

School can kiss my ass

Fuck school. I'm trying my hardest to get good grades, but it's just not good enough. I'm just going to shit my way through this last month, why bother trying anymore? I'm so burned out, all I want to do is lay on a bed and sleep. So that's what I'm going to do.

Seriously, fuck it. One of my biggest fears in life is failure, but I'm so tired and stressed these days that I don't even care. How badly can I screw my grades up in a month and a half anyway? I guess I'll find out.

*Sigh* I'm off to sleep off my headache.

ART!

I forgot about the art I was supposed to post two days ago. Oh well, here you have it now!

a 

A little background on the first picture: I started writing this super-elaborate novel four years ago about a world I made up called Estradia. (It turned out to be too elaborate for a fourteen-year-old. ^^;) In Estradia, there are four kingdoms; Falias, Khet, Aithor, and Kanja. I was randomly sketching out this girl, who was just supposed to be a princess or something. My brain suddenly thought, This is the princess of Falias! and from there, I started thinking up her story. I may decide to write it all out some day. Maybe this summer, when all I have is time.

Anyway, I'm also kind of pissed today. My parents are so set on me going to university some day, and I don't know if I want that. I mean, why waste so much time and money if it's not even going to be good for anything in the long run? I don't want to be a "recent graduate drowning in debt and working at a job that doesn't pay enough to relieve the debt." I want to be the person with a decent enough job that I'm not going hungry and I can pay for a small apartment.

I really want to focus on my art and writing, though. That's my main goal in life, to be a really good artist/illustrator. And maybe write a few good books. I'm not looking to be rich or famous.

If high school is taking over all my time, leaving me with no downtime, imagine how shitty I'm going to feel when I'm trying to finish a ten-page essay or studying for finals. Art isn't just talent and a burst of inspiration. It takes time and effort. I have zero energy and time for those things, I'm so burned out from trying my hardest not to fail my high school classes.

The worst thing is that I'm never good at explaining these things to my parents, so I just sound like a lazy, whiny rebel who doesn't want to do anything in life. I don't plan on living with my parents forever. I will get a job, I will live on my own. I'm not going to be a burden on them.

Rant over. :) I really needed to get that out.