TL;DR. Ye be Warned

I am so tied to my computer. It's an addiction, it really is. I'm thinking of restricting my internet usage a lot for the next year; A resolution, if you will.

It became clear to me this past week, when we were starting our final project in my drawing class. I had so much trouble coming up with an idea. (As whined about in this post) All I could think about was, "The internet will save me! The internet will give me ideas!" instead of coming up with ideas on my own. It's like I've become lazy when I have to be creative. Like I have no mind of my own. Instead of thinking something up myself, I check online to see what other people have come up with.

It explains the serious lack of writing, the major writer's block I have, and the artist's block. Another thing that sucks up any creativity I may have is mindless browsing. There is really no need for me to check my facebook and email more than twice a day, really. And yet, I spend my time on the internet clicking on yahoo and facebook and youtube over and over and over again, as if I expect something to change.

It's also been affecting my concentration. I never, ever have only one tab open. (even now. I'm typing this up and watching Fire and Ice on youtube.) If I ever, do, I quickly open a new one, because it feels like I should save time by multitasking. Now, I notice that even when I'm doing something not computer-related, I have to be doing something else too, just to save time. When I'm doing that, I don't fully concentrate on either thing.

Another thing that's bee a problem with me lately is spending way too much time watching TV shows. I feel like I'm watching too many at a time, ad I can't even keep track of what happened in which show. I swear, right now I am watching Battlestar Galactica, Clannad After Story, Mushi-Shi, Last Exile, X-Files, Avatar The Last Airbender, Doctor Who, and Firefly (the last three for the second time). Lost and Doctor Who alone have cost me most of my year. Now, I'm a lover of a good story, so I am definitely not cutting out TV shows altogether, but I am going to limit how many I am allowed to watch at one time (probably two is all I can handle).

Now, I don't want this post to be just about the things I am going to cut out, but also what I am going to focus on this year. Reading, for one. I miss the feeling of getting sucked in to a story to the point of not being able to put it down, to the point that I cry at a character's loss and cheer at their successes. I have not gotten to that point in hardly any book that I've read this year, because of my internet-an-tv-fueled ADD. I've read a fair few books, but too sporadically. So a focus on reading for next year.

Playing video games may come as a surprising thing to focus on, but it is something that I have too long abandoned. I am talking specifically about Final Fantasy X and X-2. I miss the satisfaction of leveling up and defeating bosses. It is something that required quite a bit of dedication. I am one to replay old games like Spyro the Dragon and Jak 2 and Shadow of the Colossus over and over, never moving on to new games. So, finishing FFX and X-2, and trying out new games. Skyrim and KOTOR are on the top of the list.

Writing and art are, obviously, a huge thing I want to focus on. I still have to many characters in my head whom are begging to have their stories told, and I will not let them turn to dust. I have too many dreams that should have been drawn and made real, but have sadly wasted away in a brain that goes in a million different directions and has no time to concentrate on anything. I need a little bit of discipline.

Also, blogging. I still like blogging, because if feels like a grown up version of journaling, but I need to update less when I have nothing to say. I think I have one too many posts that just say LOL NOTHING'S HAPPENED BUT I FEEL LIKE POSTING MY FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS ANYWAY. No more. (I still may need to vent sometimes, but that's different.)

In conclusion (I know, finally) I really want to discipline myself, to learn to concentrate, to multitask less, and to finish more. Turn off the TV, turn on the music. Close the laptop, open a book. Yeah, that sounds good. It's my new mantra. And screw waiting until January. I'm starting now. :D I feel very motivated.

Oh, god I just realized I haven't had a single glass of water today. That explains the Sahara desert residing on my tongue.

So, crisis averted from last post. I am going to draw two cowboys, an old western showdown. Shut up, it makes sense in my mind. <.<

Uh, so. Semester's almost done. I have two essays to write. For my art classes. yeah, I know. Stupid.

Anyway, doing some quizzes, not because anyone cares, but because I'm bored.

What Mythical Creature are you? Your Result: Elf Elves are skilled, intelligent craftsmen and warriors. An elf will devote his or her life to a certain trade, and thus become the best in the universe at what they do. Elves are commonly very quiet and reclusive, causing them to be shy. However shy, they are not naive and posess a great deal of knowlege and wisdom that seems to be inherited at birth. Elves are immortal, and very dedicated to nature. They walk in harmony with their surroundings, but are not wholely over emotional beings. Love is not thought of as deep or passionate for these creatures, but rather a pairing, or mating that is ultimately result in offspring.
Nymph
Vampire
Siren
Werewolf
What Mythical Creature are you? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Cool. I guess.

You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Yay.

Your Mind is Purple

Of all the mind types, yours is the most idealistic. You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense. Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

What Color Is Your Mind?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

K.

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle. You know that love isn't like a greeting card... Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings. You are the best of both worlds Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious. Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic Girl?

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

YOU SEE MEN, I'M A FUCKING DREAM TO BE WITH- ahem. Look away.

You Were A Famous Poet.

Where You Lived: Egypt. How You Died: Decapitation.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

In a previous life, because it fails to state this. Jackpot? I totally knew this, anyway. :P

I need to let off some steam.

Dear mom,

I don't know if you do it because you are concerned or if you just have no filter, but I really don't appreciate you criticizing my body. "Sit up straight so your stomach doesn't stick out" and poking my stomach while making a face is not an okay thing to do when A) I'm already well aware of my belly fat, B) I'm actually working on it, even if you don't believe it, and C) It's not your problem anyway.

I mean, Jesus, do I really disgust you that much? Am I an embarrassment as a daughter? It's no secret that I had TONS of body image issues when I was younger (and still have my moments of feeling gross). I even told you about that time I starved myself for a week.

WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO POINT OUT MY IMPERFECTIONS? I ALREADY MAGNIFY THEM OUT OF PROPORTION SOMETIMES, I DON'T NEED YOU MAKING IT WORSE.

Oh, and when I tell you that your comment hurt me, you tell me I'm too delicate. If I ever did that to you (which I never will, because I have some goddamn consideration) you'd be pissed too. If you ever get the urge to point another thing wrong with me, just remember that I have feelings too. I think sometimes you forget.

-Dani

Whine whine whine, feel free to roll your eyes at me.

It's weird how much I've grown to hate my metal class. Not the people in it, nor the teacher, but the goddamned subject. Let's just say that if one of my past selves lived in the Medieval Period, he or she was not a metalworker by any means. Ugh ugh ugh, I'm already dreading my grade. And I can just picture my parent's reaction. A totally justified reaction, too, because they were the ones who paid for the class.

One of my worst qualities (which is kind of hard to admit) is that if something doesn't interest me, I don't care enough to do a good job on it. Take my SAT's, for example. My dad forced me to take it. I didn't want to take it, I thought it was kind of dumb. I didn't study for it until the night before the test, and I didn't sleep well that  night. Kind of explains why I failed so dismally.

I know that in the long run this stupid little class won't affect me much, but right now, it's annoying.

Omnis Mundi Creatura - Helium Vola

I have teeny tiny 2 pound weights here next to my bed. I want to use them several times a day, gain even a little muscle. Yeah. I've also started using the Wii Fit again. (omg was it mean when it weighed me) Small steps toward being healthy again. I have lost five or six pounds since this summer, but I want to be back down to 125 or less. I gained weight during the Great Black Hole of 2009-2010 (two years of my life that seemed to have disappeared. Seriously, zero happened during those two years. They are lost to me forever.), about fifteen pounds in total, five or six of which I've lost already.

So, Wii Fit, walking on the treadmill, bellydance (shut it), little weights, pushups (2 sets of 20 reps). And trying to eat smaller portions. 

Yeah, I know. Cool story, bro.

HAIR, Y U NO BUTT-LENGTH ALREADY?

I am cleaning my room, listening to E-Type (Free Like A Flying Demon- good song), looking forward to a hot chocolate later and maybe a couple hours of playing my old Jak 2 game. I have nothing to complain about.

:D

I'm oddly happy despite a hefty art final that I have to do and mom's chemo tomorrow. I'm not complaining at all, this is a very nice mood I'm in.

Here's a random picture of me I just found, lookin like an elf. :P I am a weirdo.

I want the Doctor Who theme as my ringtone.

I was just starting to feel shitty. I came on here to bitch about it and everything, and then I started watching an episode of Doctor Who. I INSTANTLY FEEL BETTER. Doctor Who is a god. It may be the closest thing I have to an actual religion.

Cousins are coming over tomorrow. The house is clean. My new computer needs an internet connection.

Short post is short.

Playing with the big boys now

Gyuuuuh! The Lost ending was... well... good. Not perfect, but hell, if I was the one writing this show, I wouldn't have thought of a better way to end it besides **SPOILERS** killing everyone. I may have shed a tear, there were a lot of touching moments. But anyway, as much as I enjoyed this show, I am glad it's over. There are tons of other shows out there I need to watch.


Sayid by *ObsessedGirl on deviantART

I'm thinking of starting on Battlestar Galactica. I've heard it's good.

I read some old journals of mine. Damn, I was a messed up, violent kid. Explains why I'm a messed up teenager/young adult. I'm a lot less ashamed of myself, though. I know what I am and I'm not afraid to show it. As much as reading the old notebooks made me go "Whut." they also made me proud at how far I've come.

COMPUTER MASCHINE PANZERMENSCH

Freshly dyed hair... *sniffs it* Still smells like harsh chemicals. *Looks at it in the mirror* And it's still not red enough. I'm slowly building up to my ideal color. Mind you, my natural color is black, so at least this is something.

I'm, like, an episode away from the finale of Lost. Now they killed Sayid, and Sun and Jin, those damn writers. They offed all my favorite characters. I haven't been this annoyed since they killed off Ana Lucia.

Back hurts, I think I pulled a muscle while moving furniture around my room. It's nothing too bad, but it's annoying.

My cousins from Guadalajara are coming to visit this Friday and staying for Thanksgiving. I am happy, I miss them. :)

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up with a red-stained pillowcase tomorrow morning.

This made me laugh a lot. I'm going to try it with Luna. :P

What does it meeean???

I'm on the last season of Lost, and all I can say is GODDAMN FINALLY. I like this show and it keeps me really hooked, but sometimes I want to punch the writers in the face. And fuck them especially for killing off Sayid. (Oh, wait... he's alive!) Also fuck them for boring us with Sawyer-Kate-Jack love triangle. Still, I expect some answers.

My couch is annoyingly squeaky.

I am going to force myself to write and draw today. Now that I seem to have found my muse! :'D

Random thoughts of the morning.

Hmm. Ren faire was really cool. I wouldn't mind going again in the spring, this time in a much better outfit.

Mom starts another round of chemo tomorrow, and today my dad is going out of town and isn't coming back til Friday. I feel like a huge coward for wanting him here. I feel like I should be able to take care of my mom myself, but I get scared sometimes. Whatever, he's gone now.

Daylight savings is obsolete. 

I feel like a big pile of shit today. I have since last night. I can't draw at all either, so that's not helping. I seem to be a big empty creative-less shell.

Mmm... bacon...

Whee, I am going to the Renaissance Faire today!!! I'm so excited.

I am going to take a shower now, which means that it will be very cold. D: I abhor showering in the morning.

I also happen to have about four hundred dollars to my name right now, which I am going to use to buy myself a new laptop. Any old cheap thing will do, I just want it for games and my art. :) Anything will be better than the stupid laptop I was using for art. Yeah, it still won't turn on. It's reached the end of its life. RIP.

I am also hungry, and I'm craving bacon.

edit: Mmmm, bacon. <3

Listening to my Delerium cd- Chimaera :'D

I am trying to reboot my old laptop. Problem is, I don't have a recovery disk or even the instruction manual. That plus the fact that the shit isn't even turning on is driving me insane.

I am taking a small break from this and making myself the first hot chocolate of Autumn. :>

I love autumn. I used to be a summer kind of girl, but this year, not so much. And it's still raining and I love it. So, overall I am happy today.

Picture of me, the insane cat lady:

I didn't plan this outfit at all. Those are my old as dirt Hello Kitty pajamas I've had since I was probably eleven, and the shirt was the first one I pulled out of my closet. And Luna. <3

Justin Bieber couldn't have gotten a girl pregnant, his balls haven't dropped.

I really hate school sometimes. It's all a really big goddamn hassle. I just want a nice job that pays relatively well (not even well well, just something that pays enough). But no. I have to go to school and get a degree, because according to society, if I don't go to college I'm a failure.

...They're probably right. I'm such a lazy, cowardly piece of shit. I wish I had the balls to be my own hero. I'm too quiet, too shy, too fucking complacent, and, contradictorily, too restless and too much of a dreamer. I seriously don't know what to do with myself sometimes .

I want to go out there into the world, guns blazing, but I'm too scared. I really loathe the coward inside of myself. I'm in a constant state of discontent and waiting. I always seem to be waiting for something to happen instead of doing shit myself.

Ugh. I need some kind of personality transplant. I need a TON of growing and changing to do.  Why am I so goddamn lame? Is it genetic? Were my parents this shy and cowardly? I find that hard to believe. They both seem so tough.

Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu- I think it's close to That Time again. -__- Okay, enough hating on myself. I'm going to watch Lost or something. Yeah.

I had a bacon cheeseburger today.

The Spanish-dubbed version of Napoleon Dynamite is hilarious, but for an entirely different reason than the English version. I usually don't mind English dubbing of foreign movies, but I never thought of how it might sound in reverse. Now I know. o.O I'm pretty sure they only have two voice actors for the entire movie, one female and one male.

So, I've wanted to write and illustrate a children's book for a long time now. Thing is, it's really hard. I know, I know, how fucking hard can it be? But for some goddamn reason, it is. Like, I kind of know what the theme is going to be, and the main character, and even a little bit of the plot, but I'm still having slight issues planning how it's going to look. I want the drawings to be the main focus, but I want the writing to be entertaining, too. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this. -__-

Estradia is still my main focus, though. ^_^

Sushi for dinner... and ASJASDHKALFB INTERNET IS SO EFFIN SLOW!

People tell me I look like Anne Hathaway. Thanks guys, but I really don't think so.

 

It's laughable. Go on, laugh. And this was the most average-looking picture of her I could find. Oh, hang on:

Yeah, this is probably what they meant. That's what my hair looks like if I let it dry naturally. Eh, I tell myself I look like Kate from Lost and go about my day.

Dream on!

Te quiero puta! Hehe Rammstein *heart*

To Do Next Week 10/10 to 10/14:

• For the love of all that's holy, FINISH THAT BOOK YOU STARTED READING LIKE A MONTH AGO. Seriously, it'll take you three hours, tops. Just turn off the damn computer for one evening and do it!
• Register to vote. Don't stress about the political party. As long as you're not a Republican, you're golden. 
• Write one chapter of your Estradia novel. Just one. Don't worry about the planning, you'll fix that later. Just, ONE, chapter, is that so hard?
• Drive. Drive anywhere. To school, to Ralph's, to Target, to downtown Chula Vista. Everywhere. Work your way up to the highway.
• Think very very seriously about what I want to do next semester. If you're thinking of declaring a major, talk to a counselor about it. If you're going to work, THEN APPLY FOR A GODDAMN JOB!!! It's not that fucking hard.
• You're doing pretty good at keeping your room organized, so keep it up. Don't listen to your mother who tells you that it's too cluttered. It's not clutter, mother, it's just my room's personality.
• Start selling your art. Your family wants to buy some of it. You need the monies. DO IT.
• Go to the library and check out books on Egypt. 'Cause you know you want to.
• Oh, yeah, and do that homework thing for your jewelry class. And buy paper for your drawing class.
• Remember that Draw It Again meme you were planning on doing? Get off your lazy ass and do it.

That sounds right.  The reality is I'll probably accomplish about seven of these, maximum. I'm an idiot. Je suis une idiote. Une belle idiote. Hehe. Sometimes I pretend I speak French.

Shit in my life that only meditation will help.

Had a lot of homework to do... I had to find 40 pictures of reference for my art project. We're supposed to design a monster. I am excited for this project. :D

Anyway, I've been doing research on Egypt. I love Egypt and everything to do with it, but I don't know if archaeology is what I'm interested in, exactly. Don't get me wrong, archaeology is awesome, but I wonder if it'd be one of those things that I would quickly lose interest in.

I need to do some serious serious soul-searching right now and think of what I want to do next semester. Should I just start on my boring-as-hell general ed classes? Should I keep doing art, but take four or five classes this time? Should I start on my epic journey towards becoming an egyptologist? Should I just give school the middle finger and get a job? Is the army still an option? I have a ton to choose from.

Mom's going to be starting another round of chemo on Monday. The doc says it'll be another six months of it. I don't even know what to say to that. I'm fucking tired of it, I cannot even begin to imagine what my mom's going through right now. I hate seeing her so down. It makes me want to punch things.

This post started shallow and took a dive into the deep end. I think I'm going to start meditating again.

Dani? Oh yeah, she's an Egyptologist.

So... what's happened? Hm, I did my laundry! Yeah, nothing's happened. Except I watched The Prince of Egypt yesterday, and I realized that I really want to be an Egyptologist. Or an archaeologist. That would be incredible. :D

I really want some adventure in my life. Egyptology seems perfect for me because it's something I've always loved since I was young. I remember this one pop-up book on mummification I had. I would write "reasearch papers" on it (basically copying down all of the text of the book). It was so fun. Also, I loved playing out The Mummy (the movie, you know, with Brendan Fraser) with my barbies. My childhood friend Kaitlin might remember this. I would play my mom's new age CD and would pretend it was ancient Egyptian music. (I realize now that most of the songs were in Latin and some in French.)

There was something magical about that CD though:

I think I used to be a.. a hipster. *dies of shame*

Man, I've just been looking at my old 2010 posts on this blog. I am embarrassed to see how much I was trying to be cool. I'd delete them, but they serve as a good reminder of how much I've changed for the better. I am definitely more comfortable in my skin now.