I need to let off some steam.

Dear mom,

I don't know if you do it because you are concerned or if you just have no filter, but I really don't appreciate you criticizing my body. "Sit up straight so your stomach doesn't stick out" and poking my stomach while making a face is not an okay thing to do when A) I'm already well aware of my belly fat, B) I'm actually working on it, even if you don't believe it, and C) It's not your problem anyway.

I mean, Jesus, do I really disgust you that much? Am I an embarrassment as a daughter? It's no secret that I had TONS of body image issues when I was younger (and still have my moments of feeling gross). I even told you about that time I starved myself for a week.

WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO POINT OUT MY IMPERFECTIONS? I ALREADY MAGNIFY THEM OUT OF PROPORTION SOMETIMES, I DON'T NEED YOU MAKING IT WORSE.

Oh, and when I tell you that your comment hurt me, you tell me I'm too delicate. If I ever did that to you (which I never will, because I have some goddamn consideration) you'd be pissed too. If you ever get the urge to point another thing wrong with me, just remember that I have feelings too. I think sometimes you forget.

-Dani

HAIR, Y U NO BUTT-LENGTH ALREADY?

I am cleaning my room, listening to E-Type (Free Like A Flying Demon- good song), looking forward to a hot chocolate later and maybe a couple hours of playing my old Jak 2 game. I have nothing to complain about.

:D

I'm oddly happy despite a hefty art final that I have to do and mom's chemo tomorrow. I'm not complaining at all, this is a very nice mood I'm in.

Here's a random picture of me I just found, lookin like an elf. :P I am a weirdo.

Crash Bandicoot Warped!

Happy (late) Thanksgiving! Food was good, spending time with family was better. I am a happy girl. :)

I feel like playing old PlayStation games all day, not even getting out of my pajamas.

I might be getting a puppy! My aunt has a Blue Heeler puppy (mixed with something else, I forgot) and she told us we could have it. She's so cute!! We would have brought her with us, but my dad went insane and didn't want us to take it just then. So we're getting her in December. If my dad doesn't change his mind, which wouldn't surprise me. Fuck that, though, I'm taking her whether he wants it or not.

Also, this is the cutest monkey ever. This coming from a person who dislikes monkeys very much.

And at last I seeeee the liiiight!!

Cousins are here, I've been spending time with them.

I have been replaying this video for like an hour.




I'm going to watch Tangled now. Bye.

COMPUTER MASCHINE PANZERMENSCH

Freshly dyed hair... *sniffs it* Still smells like harsh chemicals. *Looks at it in the mirror* And it's still not red enough. I'm slowly building up to my ideal color. Mind you, my natural color is black, so at least this is something.

I'm, like, an episode away from the finale of Lost. Now they killed Sayid, and Sun and Jin, those damn writers. They offed all my favorite characters. I haven't been this annoyed since they killed off Ana Lucia.

Back hurts, I think I pulled a muscle while moving furniture around my room. It's nothing too bad, but it's annoying.

My cousins from Guadalajara are coming to visit this Friday and staying for Thanksgiving. I am happy, I miss them. :)

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up with a red-stained pillowcase tomorrow morning.

This made me laugh a lot. I'm going to try it with Luna. :P

Random thoughts of the morning.

Hmm. Ren faire was really cool. I wouldn't mind going again in the spring, this time in a much better outfit.

Mom starts another round of chemo tomorrow, and today my dad is going out of town and isn't coming back til Friday. I feel like a huge coward for wanting him here. I feel like I should be able to take care of my mom myself, but I get scared sometimes. Whatever, he's gone now.

Daylight savings is obsolete. 

I feel like a big pile of shit today. I have since last night. I can't draw at all either, so that's not helping. I seem to be a big empty creative-less shell.

'Cause sick people are high-larious!

I am crocheting meself a scarf. We'll see how it turns out. It just really needs to be layers-wearing and hot-chocolate drinking season already. It'd be nice to have someone to cuddle up to, as well. My kitty Luna will have to do, I guess.

Watching Firefly right now. Haha, Simon is so awkward. Bahaha and did Jayne just call Inara, "Eye-nehra?" I love Jayne, that pretend-dumb brute. Whyyyyy was this show cancelled?!?! I need a 'Browncoat' shirt. Let my geek-flag fly!

Oooh, I realized my mom threw away a bunch of old towels, among them one of my favorites. It was Lisa Frank. This made me grumpy. Don't judge me. (First World Problems)

Also, the Halloween candy? Got to go. I probably already gained five pounds.

Ow... I think the cramps are starting. This is not good. :(

Justin Bieber couldn't have gotten a girl pregnant, his balls haven't dropped.

I really hate school sometimes. It's all a really big goddamn hassle. I just want a nice job that pays relatively well (not even well well, just something that pays enough). But no. I have to go to school and get a degree, because according to society, if I don't go to college I'm a failure.

...They're probably right. I'm such a lazy, cowardly piece of shit. I wish I had the balls to be my own hero. I'm too quiet, too shy, too fucking complacent, and, contradictorily, too restless and too much of a dreamer. I seriously don't know what to do with myself sometimes .

I want to go out there into the world, guns blazing, but I'm too scared. I really loathe the coward inside of myself. I'm in a constant state of discontent and waiting. I always seem to be waiting for something to happen instead of doing shit myself.

Ugh. I need some kind of personality transplant. I need a TON of growing and changing to do.  Why am I so goddamn lame? Is it genetic? Were my parents this shy and cowardly? I find that hard to believe. They both seem so tough.

Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu- I think it's close to That Time again. -__- Okay, enough hating on myself. I'm going to watch Lost or something. Yeah.

*Covering ears*

OMFG. These ladies are goddamn LOUD. O.O

...Rescue me from them, daddy! D:

Urgh, they're leaving soon, I think.

Holy shit, and one of them just told me that if someone calls for her, to tell him that she's going to be back at six. ...She was fucking serious, too. WHUT.

I just want them to leave before they all start crying for my mother's poor cancerous soul. God dammit, EVERYONE WHO MAKES THAT MUCH OF A MOTHERFUCKING DEAL, the woman's getting a hell of a lot better, she's not knocking on Death's door just yet. This isn't a fucking funeral. >:(

I swear on my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

I am sitting here, alone in an immaculately clean house. My mom's off at the airport waiting for a couple of her friends to arrive. I hope she gets back before several other friends get here from Tijuana, cause if not, it means I have to greet them. -__- Don't much feel up to it.

... I've been watching Firefly again, which explains why I'm speaking all western-like. ^-^ Love love love that show. Damn you, Fox. Curse you forever.

This is awesome:

Urk! I think the ladies are here. :(

OH GOD, AND AN INTERVIEW TOO! *dies*

WHOA. I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST EPIPHANY EVER. I'm watching The Lion King 2, Simba's Pride (I actually like this sequel. So what?) and I just realized that when my dad tells me a million times to be careful when I go out and such, he's doing it because he loves me and worries about me. I know, I know, DUH. But I seriously thought he said that because he thinks I can't take care of myself. Wow, I need to stop rolling my eyes when he says that. I'm a bitch sometimes, I know.

In other news, I might apply for work today. *nervous tremble* Party City, Macy's, Best Buy, they're all hiring for seasonal jobs. Sounds good, even if I work on Christmas Day, it's not like we're going to do anything special. Ugh, but I don't know how to do this! I've never worked a bleeding day in my life (unless you count about fifteen hours of community service I did in middle school, which I don't). Do I need a resume? I don't know what to put on it. Should I add the fact that I had good grades, or is that stupid? Merlin's beard. *Is now more nervous*

Te quiero puta! Hehe Rammstein *heart*

To Do Next Week 10/10 to 10/14:

• For the love of all that's holy, FINISH THAT BOOK YOU STARTED READING LIKE A MONTH AGO. Seriously, it'll take you three hours, tops. Just turn off the damn computer for one evening and do it!
• Register to vote. Don't stress about the political party. As long as you're not a Republican, you're golden. 
• Write one chapter of your Estradia novel. Just one. Don't worry about the planning, you'll fix that later. Just, ONE, chapter, is that so hard?
• Drive. Drive anywhere. To school, to Ralph's, to Target, to downtown Chula Vista. Everywhere. Work your way up to the highway.
• Think very very seriously about what I want to do next semester. If you're thinking of declaring a major, talk to a counselor about it. If you're going to work, THEN APPLY FOR A GODDAMN JOB!!! It's not that fucking hard.
• You're doing pretty good at keeping your room organized, so keep it up. Don't listen to your mother who tells you that it's too cluttered. It's not clutter, mother, it's just my room's personality.
• Start selling your art. Your family wants to buy some of it. You need the monies. DO IT.
• Go to the library and check out books on Egypt. 'Cause you know you want to.
• Oh, yeah, and do that homework thing for your jewelry class. And buy paper for your drawing class.
• Remember that Draw It Again meme you were planning on doing? Get off your lazy ass and do it.

That sounds right.  The reality is I'll probably accomplish about seven of these, maximum. I'm an idiot. Je suis une idiote. Une belle idiote. Hehe. Sometimes I pretend I speak French.

Shit in my life that only meditation will help.

Had a lot of homework to do... I had to find 40 pictures of reference for my art project. We're supposed to design a monster. I am excited for this project. :D

Anyway, I've been doing research on Egypt. I love Egypt and everything to do with it, but I don't know if archaeology is what I'm interested in, exactly. Don't get me wrong, archaeology is awesome, but I wonder if it'd be one of those things that I would quickly lose interest in.

I need to do some serious serious soul-searching right now and think of what I want to do next semester. Should I just start on my boring-as-hell general ed classes? Should I keep doing art, but take four or five classes this time? Should I start on my epic journey towards becoming an egyptologist? Should I just give school the middle finger and get a job? Is the army still an option? I have a ton to choose from.

Mom's going to be starting another round of chemo on Monday. The doc says it'll be another six months of it. I don't even know what to say to that. I'm fucking tired of it, I cannot even begin to imagine what my mom's going through right now. I hate seeing her so down. It makes me want to punch things.

This post started shallow and took a dive into the deep end. I think I'm going to start meditating again.

Yerushalayim shel zahav

Went out of town, haven't written in a while. It was my grandma's 78th birthday. I gave her this angel drawing and she liked it. :)



Angel by ~Dannygirl123 on deviantART


Too tired to write any more.

I've been feeling lethargic today.

I got the last book of the Leviathan series (Goliath) from Amazon and it arrived last night. Of course, I read it all at once. Good ending, man.




Anyway. My stomach is still in annoyingly delicate condition. At least I'm not too nauseated anymore.

I really want to write, but I am a little blocked. Ugh. I guess for now I'll just read and start drawing the picture for my niece Andrea. Even though I seriously don't know what to draw for her. *.*

I... just realized how many books I have in my bookcase that I have not read. I'll have to get right on that.

I can't really think of a title for this. :/

There are times when my need for independence is so great I don't know what to do with myself. It comes at me like a slap in the face. I need to be out on my own and live my life. I can't have my parents with me forever. I feel so sheltered and babied and stupid.

It came at me today. I was just there, sitting at the table with my mom and dad. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I suddenly thought, damn, I need to move out, I can't effing stand it here. I feel a bit guilty for thinking that. I have very supportive parents. They're not strict, but they're not apathetic, either. They're pretty much the best parents ever. But I still want to be out on my own.

There's the obvious problem: Lack of money and job. It all boils down to my fear of unknown. I'm such a fucking coward when it comes to finding a job. Maybe I can start out volunteering or something. I don't know.

It's times like these when I feel like a shit excuse for a person and want to just cry and sleep. Unfortunately I still haven't finished the damn art project due tomorrow, so I'm going to have to do that now and possibly all through the night.

Wearing my very cool Doctor Who shirt. :D

Whoo. Getting back into a productive routine is weird after being shut up in my room reading for almost three days straight. I looked out the window and hissed at the morning. Heh, well, I'm painting now, so, no long-term harm done. ;)

Lol at my mom, though. She signed up for one of those fake-ass get rich quick things you see advertised all over the internet. I told her it was probably fake, and she had to call this number to cancel her account. My mom doesn't think it's funny, but I think it's hilarious.

My mom had the idea to tutor kids who needed extra help with math and stuff a while back, and I told her that she should get started by signing up for a tutoring agency online and advertising, and she did! :)

Listening to this while I work:



Also, no surprise that Peter Dinklage won an Emmy. He's awesome.

Changed the theme! Brown is soothing, methinks.

Nyeh nyeh nyeh. I don't know what to say. I didn't do much today. Worked out in the morn. Treadmill and then ab blaster from fit tv. Something like that. Then I watched a couple of episodes of Lost while I worked on one of my school projects. I'm now going to paint a little angel for my grandma. I hope she likes it. :D I talked with some people in my art class about videogames and stuff, and I feel like a complete noob compared to them. I am a noob. :P

And. Yeah. It seems like all my post end like this nowadays.

My sister is kind of an idiot... and I mean it in the nicest way possible

Convo with my sister, just so I don't forget, also cause it's damn funny.

Me: "I never did that! I swear!" (Don't know what I was swearing about)

Pau: "Who do you swear to?"

Me: "Jesus, Buddha, Confucius--"

Pau (completely serious): "And the atheist gods?"

Me: "..."


And ten minutes later, she still thought atheists had gods. I had to explain it to her. *disappointed shake of the head*

In completely unrelated news, I dreamed of Lost last night

I am so conflicted right now. I don't even know where to start or what the root of my conflicted feelings are.

Okay, first things first.

I told my mom I was thinking of maybe joining the army. I said it very much expecting her to say something like "Don't be silly." But no, she completely took me by surprise and told me that she too had once thought about joining the army. o.o Okay, to me, my parents seemed kind of against joining the army. My whole life, I had gotten that vibe from them. So I was kind of shocked. And happy that she understood why I wanted to join.

Then there's my dad. Oh, god. He's really not into that. When I first told him, he was all "What? Since when did you want to join? What is it you want from the army?" I shocked him that time. I get why. I've always been the quiet, bookish type. Shy, and stay-at-home kinda girl.

That's just it, though. I really hate of living the rest of my life without a little adventure. I want to have a story to tell my grandkids, a life worth remembering. I want to make an impact, a difference. I'm aware it makes me sound like a glory-loving fool, but I'm serious. I don't like what my life is like right now.

Here's where the complication comes in. Living the life I want doesn't necessarily have to involve joining the army. It could be traveling the world, or becoming a paranormal investigator, or maybe an archaeologist. I'm dead fucking serious. I could join a band of gypsies and spend my life reading people's fortunes. I just need to do something. I'm going insane in this tiny life. I want something big and radically different than what I'm used to. So, yeah, I have a lot of options.

I feel that joining the army is best, though. Not only is it big and different, but it'll make me strong, physically and mentally. I really want that. I feel like if I don't join, I'll regret it in the future. The army to me means camaraderie and new found courage, two things I lack horribly.

HOWEVER. I'm also terrified of changing my life. Doing something new will take a lot of courage. Yep, I'm borderline agoraphobic. Something needs to push me towards change. (God, I'm terrified of what'll happen now that that's gotten out into the open. Last time I wished for something life-changing to happen to me, my mom got cancer. So, universe, God, whomever is out there, JUST DON'T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. kthx.)