Random thoughts of the morning.

Hmm. Ren faire was really cool. I wouldn't mind going again in the spring, this time in a much better outfit.

Mom starts another round of chemo tomorrow, and today my dad is going out of town and isn't coming back til Friday. I feel like a huge coward for wanting him here. I feel like I should be able to take care of my mom myself, but I get scared sometimes. Whatever, he's gone now.

Daylight savings is obsolete. 

I feel like a big pile of shit today. I have since last night. I can't draw at all either, so that's not helping. I seem to be a big empty creative-less shell.

I swear on my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

I am sitting here, alone in an immaculately clean house. My mom's off at the airport waiting for a couple of her friends to arrive. I hope she gets back before several other friends get here from Tijuana, cause if not, it means I have to greet them. -__- Don't much feel up to it.

... I've been watching Firefly again, which explains why I'm speaking all western-like. ^-^ Love love love that show. Damn you, Fox. Curse you forever.

This is awesome:

Urk! I think the ladies are here. :(

Shit in my life that only meditation will help.

Had a lot of homework to do... I had to find 40 pictures of reference for my art project. We're supposed to design a monster. I am excited for this project. :D

Anyway, I've been doing research on Egypt. I love Egypt and everything to do with it, but I don't know if archaeology is what I'm interested in, exactly. Don't get me wrong, archaeology is awesome, but I wonder if it'd be one of those things that I would quickly lose interest in.

I need to do some serious serious soul-searching right now and think of what I want to do next semester. Should I just start on my boring-as-hell general ed classes? Should I keep doing art, but take four or five classes this time? Should I start on my epic journey towards becoming an egyptologist? Should I just give school the middle finger and get a job? Is the army still an option? I have a ton to choose from.

Mom's going to be starting another round of chemo on Monday. The doc says it'll be another six months of it. I don't even know what to say to that. I'm fucking tired of it, I cannot even begin to imagine what my mom's going through right now. I hate seeing her so down. It makes me want to punch things.

This post started shallow and took a dive into the deep end. I think I'm going to start meditating again.

Boring post is boring.

LOL didn't win the contest, oh well. Still working on art. Wow, that's a stupid, redundant update. I'm always working on art. Anyway. Yeah. I literally have nothing to say. Why is my life so painfully boring?

Art and stuff.

Things have been boring. School is boring. The only excitement in my life right now is the contest I entered. DarlingMionette is holding a contest for her and her twins' birthday. (her twin and her's birthday? her twin and she's birthday? No, that looks wrong. I have no idea how you would say that. Oh well.) I entered these two:



Victorian Pirates by ~Dannygirl123 on deviantART


Twins- Brenna and Kylie by ~Dannygirl123 on deviantART


Yyyyep. I like the Victorian Steampunk girls better.  I really hope to win. :D Going shopping today, so I guess that's cool. I need some more jeans, you know, some that actually fit. Also a long, ruffley skirt. Kinda like this one:

NYAN CAT.

Not sure what to say. Been drawing like a madwoman. I'm pretty happy with my shiz. Except that now I've realized that the colors look different in the drawings depending on which of my laptops I see it with. >:( So that's poopie.

Um. Entered a drawing contest. I hope I win, or at least place.

School is kinda boring, I have to keep reminding myself that my priority there is to make friends. Which is a little twisted, but really important for me. It's sad to imagine myself living my life completely friendless. What would the point of life be then?

Midnight ramblings seem to be taking over this blog. hehe.

Also, this made me laugh.

Sigh... watching Law and Order.

Pissed, frustrated, full of pent-up anger. I don't know. Classes are okay. I'm just... fucking confused.

I'm slowly gaining weight. It's starting to get kinda bad. It all stems from boredom and loneliness. Goddamn.

Listening to this, at least this makes me happy.

Hmmm, what happened to my old Monster Book of Manga? I swear it was around here somewhere...

I felt like I needed to update. I don't know why. Nothing much has happened. I've done a bit of art, I posted some videos on my youtube. Hehe, they're a little weird and awkward, but, you know, whatever. ;)

The night after my last post (about the army thing) I cried myself to sleep after wondering what's the point of it all? Life, I mean. Well, I know it sounds kinda stupid now, but insomnia is a bitch. I'm okay now, except for when I have nothing to do, then I'm just depressed.

But I still feel antsy. Like I have to get up and get out. Why am I so afraid of change?

I really do hate myself sometimes. Ah well. I'm going to watch Chobits on Netflix now. And maybe eat my feelings. Just kidding.

Aaaand, to make this post not boring, here's that art thing I made. :) I'm actually kind of proud of it!

In completely unrelated news, I dreamed of Lost last night

I am so conflicted right now. I don't even know where to start or what the root of my conflicted feelings are.

Okay, first things first.

I told my mom I was thinking of maybe joining the army. I said it very much expecting her to say something like "Don't be silly." But no, she completely took me by surprise and told me that she too had once thought about joining the army. o.o Okay, to me, my parents seemed kind of against joining the army. My whole life, I had gotten that vibe from them. So I was kind of shocked. And happy that she understood why I wanted to join.

Then there's my dad. Oh, god. He's really not into that. When I first told him, he was all "What? Since when did you want to join? What is it you want from the army?" I shocked him that time. I get why. I've always been the quiet, bookish type. Shy, and stay-at-home kinda girl.

That's just it, though. I really hate of living the rest of my life without a little adventure. I want to have a story to tell my grandkids, a life worth remembering. I want to make an impact, a difference. I'm aware it makes me sound like a glory-loving fool, but I'm serious. I don't like what my life is like right now.

Here's where the complication comes in. Living the life I want doesn't necessarily have to involve joining the army. It could be traveling the world, or becoming a paranormal investigator, or maybe an archaeologist. I'm dead fucking serious. I could join a band of gypsies and spend my life reading people's fortunes. I just need to do something. I'm going insane in this tiny life. I want something big and radically different than what I'm used to. So, yeah, I have a lot of options.

I feel that joining the army is best, though. Not only is it big and different, but it'll make me strong, physically and mentally. I really want that. I feel like if I don't join, I'll regret it in the future. The army to me means camaraderie and new found courage, two things I lack horribly.

HOWEVER. I'm also terrified of changing my life. Doing something new will take a lot of courage. Yep, I'm borderline agoraphobic. Something needs to push me towards change. (God, I'm terrified of what'll happen now that that's gotten out into the open. Last time I wished for something life-changing to happen to me, my mom got cancer. So, universe, God, whomever is out there, JUST DON'T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. kthx.)

Stuffness

Haven't posted much this July... been kinda busy with art.

Not much to say, except that my life is pretty boring. I am seriously looking forward to hanging out with my friends this weekend. I just hope they don't cancel, it's happened more than once lately.  Feeling a bit bleh today.